Breaking Through Ice

Been waiting for an open and honest post on the new blog? Tonight's the night. It's probably a long story so feel free to skip to the pictures in the other posts if you're easily bored by long stories. I won't be offended. I really don't write for anyone but myself because it helps me process. The rest of you just get to suffer through my ramblings.
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I don't even know where to begin with the story tonight. It could have started a few months ago when my birth mom told me she was moving from Minneapolis to Kentucky. It might have started 4-5 weeks ago when she told me she would call the next day and even though I left her multiple messages, I never heard from her again until this morning. It might have started 36 years ago when I was placed for adoption. It's all kind of a tangled mess. It wouldn't be nearly so complicated if I didn't care about her so much. Ironically, I can speak in front of hundreds of people and not break a sweat. I've been bungee jumping and swimming with sharks. I'm not scared of much of anything and I don't usually adapt my behavior and bend to peer pressure because I'm a firm believer in being true to God and myself. So what's the problem? Why does this scare me so much?

To begin with, I have a birth mom who is very self-centered. I've known her since I was 20 years old, but usually I feel like I don't really know her at all. In some ways we're a lot alike but in other ways we're very different. (another post for another time). There are lots of issues that go along with adoption but my thoughts tonight concern the fact that my birthmom appears to want a daughter but either doesn't want to take the time to invest in a real relationship or maybe she just doesn't know how.

I can't help but compare the relationship with her to the one I have with my (adoptive) mom. My mom here is always accessible and has always acted like a parent. Because of issues I have with attachment and a super strong will, I haven't always been the easiest child to parent. But my parents always stuck with me. The relationship with my birthmom is one of spurts of non-communication and inaccessibility. I've tried to keep a relationship going through visits, phone calls, texts, etc and sometimes it's reciprocated and sometimes it's not. There are a lot of "foo-foo" words that come my way when the comunication flows. "Love you!" "Miss you!" "Wish we could spend more time together!" seem to come easily for her. I used to long for those words but quickly came to realize that they don't really mean anything. Words are easy. Actions and follow-through are harder.

For a long time, I could take or leave any relationship, but not the one with my birth mom. No matter how many times she ditched out on plans she made with me or "forgot" to return phone calls for weeks or months or called to chew me out over things she perceived I had done wrong, I still felt an intense longing for her acceptance, physical presence or even just her voice.

The grown-up part of me wants to ditch the whole relationship. There are enough good people in my life that I don't need this. The child in me says to keep trying. She is, after all, my mom. The christian part of me says to honor my mother, although I'm not really sure what that looks like in this situation.

Anyway, the situation tonight is as follows:
I texted my birthmom a few months ago, shortly after she told me she would be moving. I knew that once she moved from MN to KY, I would probably never see her in person again. When you've been torn away from someone once, the second time really knocks you out. Anyway, we texted back and forth one day, and through the course of the conversation, I told her it would be nice to spend some time together before she moved away. Then she told me she would call me the next day but I didn't hear from her for months. I tried calling and texting but never received any kind of response. I had no idea when she was moving or if she had already moved. I had given up on her again when I finally heard from her this morning around 9am. She left me a voicemail saying nothing more than "I'm going to sleep now but give me a call after 6 tonight".

So all day, I was wavering between calling and not calling. Can she just pop in and out of my life and not talk to me for months and I'm ok with that? But just like always, I called her back. We only talked for a few minutes before she had to go. It turns out that she wants the two of us to spend the weekend in Sioux Falls. I immediately said yes even though the logical part of me says that according to past history, I'll probably be disapointed. There will probably be some reason that she won't be able to make it. And then I won't hear from her for another few weeks or months. She'll move far away and I'll never see her again.

Or maybe, just this once, she'll follow through on what she's promised and we'll have a really great weekend. I can at least hold on to that until Friday :)
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