Sophia Says

Last night, Sophia decided to paint herself head to toe with lots of Brittney's bright red fingernail polish. She stripped off all her clothes, except her little Dora panties, to do it. It looked like someone had picked her up by her head and just dipped her into red paint.

Steve came into the bedroom with her and told me to clean her up while he worked on cleaning up the bathroom. I wouldn't have been very happy anyway but this happened 10 minutes into the season premier of a show that I'd been waiting three months to watch. One of the only two shows that I take time to watch.

So after cleaning her up as much as I could, I got ready to put her in the tub. I got down on her level and, with my eyebrows and mouth formed into a very upset look, I looked right into her eyes and told her forcefully, "I'm angry."

She calmly informed me, "I'm Sophia." Then she kissed my lips.

How can you stay angry at that?
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My uggg from yesterday has been replaced by a gentle sigh. I'm feeling much better after my mother-in-law baked me a banana cream pie, work at headstart went well, I had a virtual hug from my friend Val, a regular hug from my friend Kim and then my sister brought over pizzas for supper :)
There were no screaming kids (or parents) in the house tonight.............at least until Brittney eventually gets home tonight and discovers Sophia completely coated herself and Brittney's bathroom with Brittney's makeup and fingernail polish!
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UGGGGH!

I'm extremely irritable today. I think it started last night when Brittney, who is a 14 year old girl, went balistic when she realized that Sophia, who is almost 3, had been in her bathroom and gotten into her makeup. It was kind of like the story of the three bears when they discovered Goldilocks in their house. I thought Brittney was going to either chase Sophia out of the house or eat her alive. She did, in fact, take away Sophia's ice cream. It was pathatic to see Sophia sitting there at the table with her spoon and tears running down her face.
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Sometime during the night, when all children are supposed to be peacefully sleeping, Brittney went into Riley's room and put up hundreds of pieces of masking tape all over. Each one said, "Brittney was here". She was mad that Riley took her frosting into his room last week and ate it all. Did I mention we still deal with stealing/hoarding?
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This morning, Brittney was again in fine form. She was screaming at pretty much anyone who had the misfortune to be anywhere near her.
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Oh, and did I mention that Zeke stole from the grocery store while he was with Grandma and Grandpa yesterday? I'm not kidding when I say that we have to to keep an eye on that kid literally 24/7. He either has to be with Steve or I or be in his room where there's nothing to steal but his own stuff. Or Anthony's stuff.....but we check his pockets, hands and mouth before he comes out or goes in. And he's also pretty good at lying about it. When the other kids were asking him about his time at Grandma's, Zeke told them an elaborate story about seeing a 12 year old boy get caught stealing at the grocery story.
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I'm also a bit upset about another issue. Sometimes Steve's sister Staci doesn't realize the emotional devastation that she leaves in her wake. There's a story there but I'm not going to elaborate about someone else's story.
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Sophia spent another Sunday service with her Mom and mom's boyfriend at our church. I'm glad they're part of her life (another blog for another time) and especially glad that they're choosing to come to church but it's like having two more needy children. Then a bunch of her bio relatives came over yesterday evening right at supper time.
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Added to all of that is a complicated schedule for this afternoon. I'll need to go to work in a few minutes so I need to figure it out soon. I've got to take Brittney to her first PT at the clinic at 3:45pm (can't just drop her off because it's the first appointment and they need all the insurance/medical info), get Zeke off the bus at home at 3:50pm (remember, he can't go to The Club) and get Taylor to piano lessons at 4pm. Then we just need to make supper before Riley's basketball at 6:45pm. I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to do it all yet. I think I can pick up all the kids at Camelot, including Zeke, right after school, drop the boys, sans Zeke, off at home, drop Tay off at piano early and then take Zeke with Brittney and I to physical therapy.
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Yesterday I was so tired that I accidently shut off my alarm and didn't wake up until 9:07am. I didn't want to miss my Sunday morning class and video so I flew into the shower and rushed to church. Riley was ready so I took him with me and we made it there by 9:20!
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After writing this, I think I'm grumpy because I'm just physically and emotionally exhausted. I think I need a break. But how do you take a break when so many people are depending on you? My therapist would probably say that you have to take care of your self before you have the energy to take care of others. Hmmmmm. Easier said than done.
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A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

QUICK NOTES

• Cleaned the Swiftel Center last night with my fellow missions team members. We started at 11pm and finished by 12:15am. We rocked it! And we earned money for our trip. Gearing up to go back tonight for round two.
• Motocross participants and observers are particularly messy. Even the Swiftel staff said this is their worst event to clean up after.
• Steve's mom had a fire in her apartment last night while she and Staci were at a movie. Something was left on the stove but was it put out in time to prevent too much damage. Most of the damage was to the stove and wall. Now everything smells like smoke.
• Steve helped with the 1st Bank tailgating again at SDSU this afternoon and then I met him there for the football game. I think our tickets were from someone he works with at the bank. We did make it through the first half with heavy coats, gloves, hats, blankets and hot chocolate. Then we left so Steve could make it to Swiftel on time. SDSU was already up by 30.
• Best saying of the Thanksgiving weekend was when Anthony called Steve's sister Staci a hooker! Turned out that he discovered that she likes fish and thought she also liked to catch them - with a pole and a hook.
• Benefit of having relatives with a restaurant: Most of the family helps serve Thanksgiving dinner at the restaurant and then the rest of us show up, lock the doors and have the place to ourselves for a Thanksgiving meal! The kids loved it! Except for Sophia, who slept right through the meal.

I admit it. I love Christmas music! And I sing along when no one is listening :)
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Happy Thanksgiving!

Today I am thankful for coffee and my husband. In that order ;)
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Favorite quote of the day

i toke taylor to work to day. when she got home she asked everyone "Was that helpful or hurtful?"
THANK YOU DIANE!!!!!!!:)
 
BY TAYLOR A. WILKINS

After work and a quick trip to Sioux Falls yesterday, I made it back to Brookings just in time for the gymnastics intersquad meet and parents night. We didn't think Brittney would be doing anything because of her foot but the coach had her performing on bars. I got there 15 minutes after it started and just missed her! It was fun to watch the other girls and chat with some parents though. It's the third year that Brittney's been on the team so by now we know most of the parents. Steve's favorite joke is that I say I'm anti-social but I'm famous for chatting and mingling. The truth is, I'd still prefer to be in my own house by myself but I can socialize if I have to. I'm pretty good at doing what's expected of me.
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Today I'll be at work and all the kids will be home with Steve. But I know he can handle it ;)
Maybe not the same way I would.........but that's ok!
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The same little three year old who was screaming at me last night, "You're mean!!!", crawled into bed with me this morning, threw her arm around me and said, "Love you!"
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This evenings post is brought to you by Steve-

Well today was day 1 of my staycation.  Come some clothes folded, the kitchen cleaned, and then ran some running around to pay bills.  The temp today was 55, so I decided it would be a great day to wash my car.  This evening, I went and my a guy that I had worked with when I was at Daktronics, and he was at the University of Wisconsin.  We had worked on projects for about 5 years before he moved and then I left Dak.  Now he works at South Dakota State, and we had to get together and actually meet face to face.

Tricia is feeling much better.  She is still not up to 100%, but is feeling alot better than she did on Thur and Fri from last week.  She was working on her Guatamala fund raiser letter this evening, so I helped add pictures and lick envelopes, now will have to get them mailed.

Well tomorrow I get to take Sophia, Anthony, and Brittney to Sioux Falls to the dentist.  Then tomorrow night, Brittney has a inter-sqaud meet for gymnastics, but she will not be competing since her Dr has limited her for the next three weeks, to get her foot better that she injured 2 months ago, and it healed funny, so they hope that the rest will allow her foot to get the full range of motion back with out it hurning.

Quick note about Brit's injury:

The orthopedic doctor has determined that her issues do stem from the previous injury, but it's actually a muscle in her foot that has been over-stretched and has now healed that way. She can still walk and won't have to wear the boot but she can't work out on it for at least three weeks. Her athletic trainer will continue to work with her and she'll be doing a lot of biking and swimming in rehab, in addition to physical therapy twice a week. She's not able to do tumbling for gymnastics for at least three weeks. The part that is killing her the most though, is the fact that she isn't supposed to wear sandals or flip-flops.

Conversation after leaving the doctor:

Brit: "I have to stop at home quick."
Steve: "Why? You need to get back to school and I need to get back to work."
Brit: "I have to put on tennis shoes."
Steve: "But you have them with you."
Brit: "Dad!!! I have to change clothes."
Steve: "What you're wearing is fine and you already have your other shoes."

Me: "She thinks she can't wear tennis shoes with her current outfit so she needs to go home and change into something that will go with the shoes she has to wear now."

How did I get a girly-girl?

Nearly killed me today that we had to turn down tickets to the SDSU vs USD football game!

I'm still not feeling the best, we're scheduled to ring the bells for the Salvation Army at Walmart this afternoon and I already have Brittney babysitting tonight because some friends are taking us out for supper.

But it's a beautiful day, a great college rivalry and I love football. Maybe next time :)

Ø The reason Zeke was kicked out of the Boys & Girls Club:

Zeke stole three things in one day last week and then he stole again yesterday. Last time, he took a pop that a kid had in the lunchroom. The staff talked to him about it. Then he went into a staff member’s office and took $3. Again, they caught him and talked to him about it. Then later that afternoon, he went into the lunchroom unsupervised and took another kid’s pizza. This time they talked to him and made him sit in the back hallway for a while. The next time he went back, Wednesday, he again stole from a staff member.

Their solution was to tell Zeke that he couldn’t come back to The Club for two days. I guess for a regular kid who wants to go that might be an appropriate consequence but Zeke 1)usually only goes on Wed and Fridays anyway, 2)should have had an immediate consequence that he would remember 3) should have been better supervised to begin with 4)does not have the same understanding of later consequences that other kids have. He probably won’t even remember by next week why it was that he couldn’t go this week. So the whole thing was really only a consequence for me since I’m the one that had to take him to Sioux Falls today to sit through Anthony’s therapy appointment. The unfortunate part of the whole thing is that it probably has less to do with stealing than it does with hoarding. Even yesterday when Anthony let Zeke choose some candy from his therapist, Zeke refused to eat it and just wanted to put it in his pocket. Bring on the effects of child trauma yet again.

I finally opted to stay home today. It isn't fair to get anyone else sick, especially the little kids. If I was totally sick, it wouldn't be such a big deal but I just feel like crap and I can still walk and talk so I feel like I should be working. I ended up bringing my laptop, phone, books and paperwork into my bed so I'll just have a mini-office in my bed while I watch Criminal Minds on TV. And when I'm tired of sitting up and working, I'll just tip over :)
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Meanwhile, here are some random pictures

that I hadn't had time to post.

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Wilkins Family Band

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Artwork when a 3 year old is left to her own devices.

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Message found on the dry erase board Sunday morning.

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Steve's sister, Staci, & Shane's girlfriend, Dawn,

spending quality family time in our basement

playing Just Dance 3.

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Sophia & Riley

waiting for the Hobo Day Parade to start

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Anthony

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Still waiting for the parade to start

with Sophia's half-siblings & grandma Kathy

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Sophia

What happens when you don't learn your lesson from the 3 year old's body artwork and she's left to her own devices for another five minutes.

This would be three entire boxes of kleenexes.

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Riley & Sophia at ChuckECheeses

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View from my bed.

Unusual because there are only 4 other people instead of 6-8 :)

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Taylor's Bed/Mattress

One night I told Taylor to go to bed for the hundreth time and she was arguing that she wasn't tired and didn't want to go to bed. I responded that I didn't care if she slept or not, in fact, I didn't care what she did as long as she was laying in her bed.  My mistake. She took the opportunity to support our local college team by laying in her bed and writing on the edge of her mattress. Go Big! Go Blue! Go Jacks!

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Sophia 

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Back entryway

with cabinets, walls, carpet and wires torn out

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Brittney

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I'm sick. I do not make a good sick person. I try to keep doing everything I normally do but my body won't cooperate. I went to work yesterday anyway. I'm not sure about today. I'm trying to balance my sense of responsibility for work with my sense of responsibility for not getting anyone else sick. When I got off work yesterday, I came home, crawled into bed and didn't get back out until 6am this morning. To tell the truth, I'd still like to be there.

Steve had a baseball meeting last night so I sent a couple of kids to church and then bribed Brittney $5 to keep an eye on Sophia. That really only left one or two kids. The downfall is that the rooms that Steve and I cleaned on Monday are now completely trashed again.

Brittney has an appointment with an orthopedic specialist this morning. Her athletic trainer is concerned about the injury to her ankle/foot from this past cheer season. The original injury happened a few months ago when she was doing gymnastics tumbling at the gym downtown. When it initially happened, Steve took her to the emergency room for x-rays. She ended up in a boot and using crutches. The trainer and Brittney are concerned that there is still something wrong.

I'm taking Anthony to Sioux Falls for his therapy appointment this afternoon at 3pm. That was supposed to be easy today. I'm ususally out of work by 1:45pm, which would give me just enough time to pick up Anthony from school and leave town by 2pm, putting us in Sioux Falls by 3pm. Then Zeke caused a bit of a glitch. Which is a whole different story. But the end result is that I was planning on him being able to go to the Boys & Girls Club after school today because I'll be leaving town before school gets out and won't be back until 4pm.

But Zeke has been kicked out of The Club. So now I have to try to pick him up early from school too so I can take him to Sioux Falls with us. The first problem is that he's at a different school than Anthony so it will cause a major time crunch to try to get them both picked up and still be on time. Then there's the fact that I just plain don't feel good and it was already going to be a struggle to do the Sioux Falls thing today and now I have to take TWO of my most challenging kids. Added to that, I'm incredibly frustrated with Zeke right now and don't particularly want to keep him occupied during the hour at the therapist's office.

Oh, and Riley has basketball tonight and Brittney and I have a meeting for our missions trip. Yes, I just remembered I haven't really posted anything about that yet either. Maybe I should just suck it up and stay home today so I don't get anyone else sick. Then I can post about our trip and about Zeke.
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Looks like I'm in for another fight with the Brookings School District :(

It was not on my agenda this morning to have a mini crisis. Shortly before we were ready to leave to deliver all the kids to school, Zeke had a major bloody nose. He gets them quite often, especially when the air is dry but today it was a real gusher. It was literally running down his face and none of the usual techniques were working. I held kleenexes to his nose and tipped his head back. After a few minutes, I gave up on that and tried something else. By now, he had blood all over his face, his clothes and his bed. I tried a cold compress on his nose, Steve tried stuffing a wad a cotton between his upper lip and his top front teeth and we tried all the other stuff that usually works. I finally just had to stand Zeke in the bathroom over the sink and just let the blood run right into the sink. After another 15 minutes, the blood flow finally slowed down a bit. Steve left to take Sophia to daycare and I left left Zeke standing over the sink with Brittney so I could get the other kids to school on time. Then I came right back and cleaned up Zeke, loaded him into the van with a towel and we took Brittney to school. Then I brought him back home and made him lay down on his bed for a while to try to keep the bleeding from starting up again. It seems to be ok now so I'm going to take him to school, zip over to work and hope I don't get a phone call that it's started up again.

We had the best day ever yesterday!!! I guess it really is all about the little things because we didn't do anything important. Steve and I had all the kids dropped off at school or daycare by 8am. He even brought me back a carmel mocha and a blueberry scone from my favorite coffee place, Chocolatte.

We cleaned the kitchen and the dining room, which the kids had destroyed on their three day weekend. I had added to the mess with binders from the torn apart office/back entryway so I sorted and organized those too. After those two rooms were back in order, we worked on the back entryway. The back wall is now ready to paint. Then we snuck in a little snuggling time before we headed to BWW for lunch. After lunch, we picked up paint and headed back home for a quick nap before the kids made it home. Meanwhile, we decided since we were having such a nice, relaxing day that we called all the kids' teachers and made the kids go to the Boys & Girls Club after school, which bought us another two hours alone together ;)

Before our day of solititude was over, we stopped at the church and the grocery store. Then we picked up all the kids and went home for supper and then got the kids ready for bed.

Steve joined Taylor, Sophia and me for a Lifetime movie and the day was complete!.

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PS: My phone was found. Steve knew where it was. But I still didn't answer it yesterday :)

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I seem to have lost my phone again!!! The last time I remember seeing it was when I dropped it on the floor at church. Brittney picked up the front, back and battery and I vaguely remember taking the pieces and putting the phone back together but I don't remember what I did with it after that. I've now checked all the usual places and bribed the kids with a dollar to whoever can find it. Unfortunately, it's still missing. So when I said I wasn't turning on my phone tomorrow, apparently I wasn't kidding.
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• Taylor told me that the movie that Joan and Heather took her to tonight was "the best movie EVER!!!" :)

• Just called my birth mom because I was supposed to call her today. Left a message because she didn't answer :(

• Brittney is in the shower and I can hear her singing. Way off-tune but still makes me smile :)

• Finished getting the kids settled in for the night and Riley comes to my room to tell me he threw up. I helped him clean himself up, got him a blanket and settled him on the couch. Then I checked out his room. He managed to get his pillow, bedding, floor, instrument case and I'm not sure what else. I'm going for the mom of the year award again because I just covered it all with four big towels, shut his door and will deal with it in the morning :(

• Bummer of a game ending last night! Jacks lost on a 3 pt shot by the other team at the buzzer.

• Today I have happily stayed in my sweats all day and I haven't left the house.

• Our entry way from the garage into the house is entirely torn apart. It wasn't the best use of the space so we've gutted it. I really needed the power of the swinging sledgehammer that day. Lots of frustration can be alleviated by knocking a wall out. This afternoon, our friend came and helped move some electrical wires so I think we can do some painting tomorrow or Monday.

• I had an epiphany last night.  I realized that a few years ago I was so concerned with protecting myself that I completely disregarded a friend. Yesterday I stumbled on something that reminded me of her thoughfulness and I finally realized how badly I treated her without even realizing it. I wanted to run right over an apologize before I talked myself out of it.

 

• Anthony's therapist sent me an email asking how things were going. I wasn't having a very good week and this was my response

 

At home, he's still very angry/defiant when he has to do something he doesn't want to do, usually at least a couple of times a day. As long as he's doing what he wants, he's fine.

           

 Note home from Anthony's teacher:

 Anthony has been having some trouble getting along with others at recess time. He also had a hard time listening         and following directions today.

(He had 3 not following directions infractions)

 

Some of the notes we've had in the past three weeks in his planner are:

Not lining up when told

Not putting things away when asked

Not following along in reading

Tapping on his desk (and not stopping when asked)

Blurting

Running in the hall

Making inappropriate noises

Blurting during spelling, art and computer lab (all on the same day)

Bothering his neighbor

 

Out of the last 19 school days, there were only 7 that he had a relatively "good" day. It seems to me that he just doesn't think that any of the rules should apply to him. He doesn't express any remorse about any of these either. He's mad that it inconveniences him when he's repremanded but he's never sorry for what he does. I don't think he has any idea how he and his body impact everyone else. Even today when I talked to him about what happened at recess with another student, Anthony didn't seem to think that it was his fault or that he had "caused" whatever happened. For Anthony, it's always someone else's fault or problem.

 

I'm begining to think that his mentality and attitude won't/can't change. Maybe it just is what it is. I think we're moving from pro-active mode to survival mode until he's 18 and we turn him loose on society. Other than negative changes during the DSS investigation, which he's mostly overcome, I haven't seen any positive changes in Anthony in the past few years. If anything, he is more defiant and agressive every year.

 

Sorry to be so negative :( Right now he's sitting on a chair behind me because I can't leave him alone. A few minutes ago, he was mad at me because I explained to him why he couldn't throw a football in the house........so he pulled the leaves off my ivy plant.

 

Tricia

 

I haven't been very good about posting lately. Mainly because there is too much bouncing around in my head to type. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe not. We did have a great time at our parents' group tonight and are now watching the Jacks basketball game on ESPN. After the hectic schedule this week, I'm happy to report that we have nothing scheduled for Saturday, Sunday. And Monday all the big kids have school, Sophia has daycare, the bank and headstart are closed. Steve and I will have a whole day off together by ourselves! We're locking our doors and not answering our phones ;)
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SDSU

Here's a more upbeat post after yesterday's depressing one :)

A friend gave us tickets to the double header SDSU Jacks basketball game Thursday night. No kids along and they ended up being great games! Steve and I very seldom just get to relax and have fun together. Both the men and women won their games by at least 20 points but you wouldn't always know it by how excited I would get. There were a few times Steve thought I was actually going to fall over the glass railing! I don't let my emotions get the best of me very often. In fact, I very seldom show what I'm actually feeling, so it's fun to be in an environment where I let loose a little ;)  
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Here's a picture at Trunk or Treat. We're not Jacks fans or anything :)

Adoption

I'm reading a book about adoption. It was recommended by a friend quite a while ago but I wasn't ready to read it then. It's one of the most brutally honest books I've read and I'm having a number of responses to it. Sometimes I get frustrated by people who give the "thumbs-up" to adoption. I can't even count the number of times that I've been congratulated on our kids' adoptions. Or the people who tell me, "Bless you! You are doing such a great thing for these kids!" I know they mean well. But we aren't doing these kids any favors. We are trying to make the best out of a already bad situation. From the first time Adam and Eve sinned, the world wasn't perfect anymore.

Do you really think, even after all these kids have been through, that they prefer to be with us? They know, somewhere deep down, that somewhere out there is someone (a mother) who didn't think enough of them to do everything possible to try to stay with them. Realistic or not, that is the thought. Babies know. Kids know. They know more than we realize. We try to play God by manipulating children's lives and then expect them to be happy about it. I'm not saying that there aren't lots of positives in adoption but there is so much more emotional baggage than most people would like to realize, especially adoptive parents. People believe that once you take these kids and put them into a good home in a loving environment, it outweighs anything and everything in the past. Trust me. It doesn't.

Excerpt from The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier

Adoption, considered by many to be merely a concept, is, in fact, a traumatic experience for the adoptee. It begins with the separation from his biological mother and ends with his living with strangers. Most of his life he may have denied or repressed his feelings about this experience, having had no sense that they would be acknowledged or validated. He may, instead, have been made to feel as if he should be grateful for this monumental manipulation of his destiny. Somewhere within him, however, he does have feelings about this traumatic experience,  and having these feelings does not mean that he is abnormal, sick, or crazy. It means that he is wounded as a result of having suffered a devastating loss and that his feelings about this are legitimate and need to be acknowledged, rather than ignored or challenged.

What adoptees need to know is that their experience was real. Adoption isn’t a concept to be learned, a theory to be understood, or an idea to be developed. It is a real life experience about which adoptees have had and are continuing to have constant and conflicting feelings, all of which are legitimate. Their feelings are their response to the most devastating experience they are ever likely to have: the loss of their mother. Just because they do not consciously remember it does not make it any less devastating. It only makes it more difficult to deal with, because it happened before they had words with which to describe it (preverbal) and is, therefore, almost impossible to talk about. For many of them, it is even difficult to think about.

So hang in there with me as I wade through the first book that I've found that expresses what I've felt about adoption.