A Bit of Sophia's Story

 Last week, Sophia was invited to her bio cousin's birthday party.

Most of her bio mom's family was expected to be there.

Here's a little background info on Sophia to explain why this is such a big deal.

A Bit of Sophia's Story:

Shortly before she came to live with us, I was anticipating being able to go back to work after the last boy we adopted (Anthony) was heading to kindergarten. It was July and he was starting school in August.

I was in Sioux Falls with some of the kids and received a call from DSS. It went something like this:

Hey, are you home?

No. I'm in Sioux Falls right now.

What time will you be back?

Probably around 5:30.

Could you swing by the office and pick up a baby?

It might be long term, we really don't know yet.

I didn't even flinch. I headed back to Brookings, saw the cute baby in person, got more information from the workers, texted Steve to tell him I was bringing home a baby and the rest is history.

For months, my kids called her 'Jello Baby' because even though she was seven months old, she was developmentally more like a three month old. She had no muscle tone at all and just kind of flopped around. She had to be fitted for a helmet to help re-shape her head. There were lots of therapies and doctor's visits.

Fast forward.

After about three years of living with us as a foster placement, parental rights were terminated and at that point, we adopted Sophia. Because we chose to have a relationship with Sophia's bio mom early on in the foster care process, we opted to continue that after the adoption was finalized.

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Sophia's mom really loves her, she just wasn't capable of the care Sophia needed and there were also many unsafe people in their lives at that point.

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We're often asked if this was an open adoption. The answer is more complicated than just yes or no.

In South Dakota, once parental rights are terminated by the court and social services, a child is considered free to be  adopted and the bio parents have no legal rights to the child anymore, including contact. So officially, this was a closed adoption and we weren't required to maintain any contact at all with any of Sophia's bio family.

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For a number of reasons, we opted to maintain contact on our own with a majority of her family, both paternal and maternal.

I should note, however, that there is at least one family member who we have opted to never allow contact, purely for safety reasons.

Anyway, here's some of our reasoning behind our continuing to be open in a closed adoption:

 

1) Sophia has connections with them and they are her family. She developed in her bio mom's tummy and spent the first seven months of her life with her. What's on paper now doesn't change the fact that she loves them and they love her.

2) I don't want her resenting us in the future because we withheld her family from her. She's already questioned me about why we took her from her mom when she was happy there.

(That's probably another post for another time)

3) We still have total control, both legally and physically, over with who and where contact occurs.

Our first priority is Sophia and we continue to make sure she's safe.

4) I was adopted and I understand the importance of connection with bio family.

5) I'm not threatened by Sophia's connections or love for her first mom or others in the family. Her bio mom and I have a good relationship, developed over time while Sophia was in foster care. I'm a bit like a mentor for her. Sophia doesn't have to worry about feeling divided loyalty. As an adopted child myself, I know that a child can love both moms.

6) Sophia has lots of cousins and grandparents who love her and had no choice in how things played out in court. A child can never have too many people that care about them.

6) I know that as long as Sophia and I have a good relationship, ultimately, I'm the one she runs to when she's hurt or in need of mom's arms.

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Anyway, even though their lives are very different than ours, we have a common bond in Sophia.

So away we went to the birthday party

Here are a few pictures of the party for her cousin.

Sophia had her swimming suit but Taylor, in typical Taylor fashion, jumped right in the pool with her clothes on!