Warning! This will probably be another really long post!!!
I'm not always sure how specific to be when I'm writing about parts of my childrens' histories. I feel like it's their story to tell: specifics and when and how much information to share. I can describe how certain things impact me and our family and give pieces of their past, but once I put something about my children out there on the internet, I can never really get it back for them. When kids are still in foster care, we aren't allowed to share anything personal. After they have been adopted, it's ours to share as we want, but I still respect that my kids might not want their personal stuff spread out there for everyone to see.
With that being said, I write the following for two reasons: 1) I continue to contemplate the best way to try to help my children. Writing helps me process thoughts and 2) I will be asking for your help. We all know that I don't ask for help lightly so it has to involve my kids and be for a very good reason. So here goes my current rambling:
Sophia biological parents are very different from each other. Please excuse my mixing of past and present tense. It's complicated and I'll try to write as clearly as I can.
Sophia's mom, R, has always tried her best when it came to Sophia and loved Sophia very much. It was due to a lack of resources and support, both emotional and financial, combined with her borderline low IQ, her incapacity to retain information well, her chaotic family background and her inability to judge safe vs unsafe people that made her unable to provide a safe environment for Sophia. There were some very bad people in their life at that time. In short, it just wasn't safe for Sophia to live with R. However, R's love for Sophia has never been in question and R has never intentionally hurt Sophia.
Since then, R has married, gained an extended family, remained employed part time at a fast food restaurant, rented a livable trailer house and has had another baby. We all still remain in the same town and we remain in contact. We have visits and continue to emotionally support R. Her little one is doing ok. Would I leave Sophia in R's independent care? No. Do we love and support R and her continued contact with Sophia. Yes!!!
We also have contact with some of R's relatives and limited contact with R's parents. It's a small town. We basically leave it up to them to initiate contact and then try to make it happen. I've taken Sophia to quite a few birthday parties, was the witness at R's wedding (that's another story ;-), we meet to play at the park and just generally try to maintain as much contact as we can.
Sophia knows she grew in R's tummy, just like her baby sister Aubree. Sophia used to call R 'Mommy R.......' but now she just calls her R.......... I think it's because that's what all our other kids call her. I don't pretend that Sophia's past history didn't happen just because it would be easier on all of us right now. I firmly believe that how we deal with this now will have less of a traumatic impact on Sophia in the future than if we put blinders on and wait for issues to come up. That's probably another post for another time too.
Sophia's bio father is a completely different story. He and R got together when he was 40 years old and she was around 20 (and actually she is probably mentally/developmentally closer to a middle schooler) At that time, he had already fathered four other children, the oldest of which was 11. Shortly before Sophia was born, he was convicted of sexual contact with his oldest daughter and sent to prison.
Meanwhile, Sophia was born and lived with R and R's next boyfriend (also a child sex offender). They lived across the trailer court from R's sister, who was living with another convicted child sex offender. The house R and Sophia were living in looked like one of those trailers that they show on tv where PETA went in and rescued the pets because the living conditions were so bad. After repeated reports by many concerned people, Sophia was finally place in foster care when she was seven months old.
While Sophia was in foster care, Sophia was supposed to have monthly DSS mandated visits with bio dad, even though he hadn't been in the picture since before she was born, he was a convicted pedophile and incest was involved. Gotta love the logic of the state. We wanted to fight it but we weren't allowed to discuss Sophia's case with anyone. She had one visit with her bio dad in prison, which was fully supervised. After that initial visit, thanks in large part to a wonderful CASA worker and an amazing staff person within DSS, a request was put in directly to the judge who was ruling on Sophia's case, asking to cease the prison visits. Thankfully, the judge was appalled that even one visit had taken place. He immediately put a stop to the visits. Logic can still prevail!
Even though there's been no further contact for bio dad, over the past five years, we've maintained a relationship with all four of Sophia's half siblings on her paternal side, her grandmother, aunt and uncles. Lots of people ask if we have to or not. No, we don't have to but the answer isn't quite that simple. By law in South Dakota (other states have different regulations), while a child is in foster care, bio parents are entitled to have visits with the child. The time, place and length of visits varies depending on the situation. Other bio relatives are also given the opportunity to visit but the visits aren't mandated and aren't usually pursued by the state because those visits aren't required by law.
So some of Sophia's bio relatives visited her in the little DSS visiting room during the three years she was in foster care. Eventually, we began to know some of them and lots of visits took place in our home because it was easier on Sophia and the relatives. That too is probably another story for another post.
Once an adoption in South Dakota is finalized, the adoptive parents have the final say on any contact. The adoptive parent is not legally obligated to have any contact with any bio relatives. We obviously choose to maintain as many contacts for Sophia as we can. I'm pretty sure I've written in the past about why we think that's the healthiest thing to do. I probably should mention that quite a few years ago, Grandma K was granted custody of all four of her grandchildren (Sophia's half-siblings). This was before Sophia was even in foster care. Three of her four adult children were also living with her. The fourth was in prison.
Anyway, Grandma K told me in passing last week that she wanted to get together to talk. She always has the best of intentions for getting together but she usually doesn't follow up by making definite plans, so when she did, I knew right away that something was up.
After dealing with Dragon Lady all morning on Saturday (see post from a few days ago), I came home and started putting together a desk Brittney just bought. It was really relaxing to follow the directions and construct and build :-)
When Grandma K came, I dispersed all the kids, mine and hers, and made small talk until she was ready. Then she told us that her son D, Sophia's bio dad, is scheduled to be released from prison in four months. And he's asking to see Sophia. He's been asking since before the termination of his parental rights and now that he knows he's getting out, he's getting serious about a visit.
Let me just say first of all that Social Services hasn't informed us of this at all. Does that make anyone else as angry as it makes me? I'm getting ready to send my sweet little Sophia off to kindergarten in the fall and would've had no knowledge that a very dangerous man who has a very special interest in her and a known sexual interest in children would very possibly be back on the streets in our/his hometown?!?
Ok. Initial shock worn off. Grandma K asked, when he got out, if he could have a supervised visit with Sophia. I very calmly explained to her that if he's released in four months, he would be on parole. It would probably be a condition of his parole that he not have any contact with children, at least until he's off parole. Then, I would have to have a face-to-face meeting with him and I would be asking some difficult questions. It would be at that point that Steve and I would decide if we thought contact would be appropriate. I informed her that because of what he had done, we would probably never feel safe having Sophia around him.
One of the sad parts to this story is that he was also abused as a child. Grandma K wants so badly to break the cycle but she is very naïve and doesn't have the tools to figure out how. She has even taken all four other kids, including the one who was molested, to the prison for visits over the past five years.
That discussion on Saturday was one of the hardest I've ever had to get through. I've had discussions with three of the other sibs but I haven't connect in person lately with the oldest. She's Brittney's age and just had a baby. She moved back in with her bio mom. They'll need someone on their side in the coming months too.
So what do I need help with? There may come a time in the future when I need to make sure he isn't watching Sophia. If and when that time comes, I'll most likely be posting a picture and a description and asking my friends, school and community to help us keep an eye on our little one. Our goal is to keep her safe.
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